a thin thread

Right now I'm hanging by a very thin thread. I sunk in and called and made some appointments. My therapist thinks I'm bipolar and we'll see if the shrink thinks so too. If I am, that means a life time of medicine.. a life time of pills to make me be a functioning part of society. Which means, instead of simply willing my personality to die, I get to do it with pills instead. This was the problem the last time I saw someone. I'm not any happier now than I was before. Because, before I was convinced I could will myself better. Now, I know that isn't a possibility.

I don't have much hope that this battle is winable or really even worth getting into the fight over. But I'm not completely giving up. I still owe it to the people who have put the effort in, to at least explore my options. I still hate myself and things haven't really gotten better.

Altho, I suppose that is all a matter of conjecture. I mean, I'm not crying every day. The thoughts are still there, the impulses, the self loathing, the hatred. I still feel worthless and no amount of convincing has actually happened yet.

I'm still stuck in the cross roads. I don't know which way to go and right now, every path thru the forest still leads to the same place.

I've had a few moments the last couple of days, where the world didn't seem as bleak and things felt almost ok.. and like fucking clockwork, it all came crashing back. Bob, my demon, still won't leave me alone or shut up or even give me a break.

I'm still not sleeping... altho, I'm no longer waking up because someone keep showing up randomly in my dreams right before I wake up. I'm exhausted and find that right now, the only thing keeping me fighting is the people fighting for me. I feel like, right now, I'm only going to fight as hard as people fight to want to keep me around.. because really... those people are the only ones keeping me here. And the list of people fighting this war with me is extremely small.

So.. I'm still rather convinced that my argument is valid.. that people don't need me nearly as much as they want me to think they do.. and that almost everyone would go on about their lives if I was here or not...

And as I think that, I came to the realization that my life stopped when my grandpa died. I haven't ever really moved on and dealt with that loss. While I've functioned and existed and been there and done some things... I haven't really lived since I put him in the ground.. and I'm quite certain I've never impacted anyone in my life to that point... so it's a give and take, a tug of war...

And right now, the thread pulling me back the hardest keeps pulling, and I'm thankful for her... I just can't help but wondering how long it's going to take for that thread to break.