demon possession

So while I think Paranormal Activity wasn't the best film to watch, it did manage to be effective and screw with my head. I'm pretty sure if my life were a horror movie, I'd be a prime candidate for demonic possession. So I've been rather freaked out lately.

And I go this Tuesday to get my head shrunk and see what the dr thinks is wrong with me. I have therapy again on Wednesday and then my regular doc in early November. My bones hurt and my hair is falling out. My skin is dry and I'm tired all the time but not sleeping for shit.

I also think that I'm afraid to be happy and afraid to be well. I've lost so many things in life that I feel like all I have left is my depression. I know I still have family who love me and I have some amazing friends, most of all my very very best friend. Without her, life would not be bearable. But I'm afraid if they fix my brain I'll wake up and fully appreciate the disaster zone I have left behind.

I don't know what to do with myself or really who I even am anymore, beyond my broken brain. I'm afraid I waited too long to get the help I needed and there won't be anything to go back to once I'm "well." I know that's absurd but I'm having a hard time seeing it in any other light.

One day at a time, one breath at a time. I wish my brain had a damn universal remote and would just do what I wanted it to. I'm tired of not feeling like I'm in control of my own life. I'm tired of feeling like the whole world has control over me. I didn't use to be like that. Once upon a time I felt like I was in control. In fact, there were days when I had my Pinky and I could give Brain a run for his money in ruling the world.

On the flip side, facebook stalking has become a new past time for me. I'm really glad there isn't some electronic widget that says how many times you view someone's page. and if they did have one, it should flag you like the sex offenders are flagged. I could see myself running around with a scarlet F, for facebook stalker.

I also think I need something completely random to get me over my slump. So, if there are any boys looking for a job as pool boy, please submit your resumes to my secretary.

sigh

I don't know what I continue to put myself in these situations. I mean really. I'm fucking stupid. I'm so mad at myself. and I have been really on edge lately. Since I learned I may be bipolar... not definite until I go see the shrink, I've been analyzing my moods. And if I'm bipolar I have definitely been more manic lately. which in my hands is very very very dangerous. I just want to curl up and find a way to erase my memory from the minds of everyone I know... god I hate my head... and I hate the fact my mind is boycotting me.. I just want a vacation from my head and I want it to all go away.

klnadsf

I'm tired. I feel like my life is splitting into 2 personalities. There is the one half of me, that wants to get better. She wants to have a normal life and be happy and connect with people. She wants to have hopes and dreams and do something with her life and mean something to people.

Then there is the dark half of me that can't let go of being fucking miserable. She is also trying to get me to completely self destruct. She wants to push everyone out of her life, especially the two people really holding her in. It's like she's fucking allergic to people.

And right now, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of these two people. Most of the people in my life right, will do just fine without me around. fuck most of them don't even notice me when I'm there. and if they do, they don't really see me. people are so oblivious...

and right now, I'm in that pushing and testing phase of my life. I like to set up these tests for people, ones I know they have no hope of ever passing and then when they fail, it supports my own self destruction.. like... if people really knew me at all, they would fight harder to make sure that they included me.... and if they aren't including me it means they don't really want me to be a part of their lives... and if they don't want me to be a part of their lives, then I am right, and there is nothing keeping me here.

In reality... if you push people away, long enough and hard enough, they aren't going to keep running into the wall for you. No one can.. and I'm a 70' fucking brick wall. And I don't blame people. You can only try so hard to help save someone, but if they don't want to be saved, you can't do much. And I think I've pretty much pushed everyone in my life to that point.. the... wtf... if you want help then fucking take it, and if you don't, then get on with it so we can all cry and move forward.

I know if I make it through all this, I'll want to have those people on the other side... and yet, I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail.. you know... push them all away, so when you do pull through this, you have nothing left, so you can go right back to being miserable.

and that's the meat of it really. I don't know how to not be miserable. In fact, I'm terrified of it. I think a part of me really deserves to just be miserable all the time and have nothing in my life worth fighting or living for.

Then I'm thrown back into feeling guilty about the people who have put forth the effort and aren't letting me go and letting me float away into oblivion. some days I just want the break.. I just don't want to feel anymore... I want all the pain to just be gone.. and to go to sleep and dream, and if I can't wake up and have some relief then I just don't want to wake up.

and that isn't fair.. at least not yet. One of these days I'm going to have the proof of my argument or be better... I just wish that day was today... I'm really so freaking tired. I was told tonight.. I look exhausted from the inside out.. means I need a thicker shell or mask..

a thin thread

Right now I'm hanging by a very thin thread. I sunk in and called and made some appointments. My therapist thinks I'm bipolar and we'll see if the shrink thinks so too. If I am, that means a life time of medicine.. a life time of pills to make me be a functioning part of society. Which means, instead of simply willing my personality to die, I get to do it with pills instead. This was the problem the last time I saw someone. I'm not any happier now than I was before. Because, before I was convinced I could will myself better. Now, I know that isn't a possibility.

I don't have much hope that this battle is winable or really even worth getting into the fight over. But I'm not completely giving up. I still owe it to the people who have put the effort in, to at least explore my options. I still hate myself and things haven't really gotten better.

Altho, I suppose that is all a matter of conjecture. I mean, I'm not crying every day. The thoughts are still there, the impulses, the self loathing, the hatred. I still feel worthless and no amount of convincing has actually happened yet.

I'm still stuck in the cross roads. I don't know which way to go and right now, every path thru the forest still leads to the same place.

I've had a few moments the last couple of days, where the world didn't seem as bleak and things felt almost ok.. and like fucking clockwork, it all came crashing back. Bob, my demon, still won't leave me alone or shut up or even give me a break.

I'm still not sleeping... altho, I'm no longer waking up because someone keep showing up randomly in my dreams right before I wake up. I'm exhausted and find that right now, the only thing keeping me fighting is the people fighting for me. I feel like, right now, I'm only going to fight as hard as people fight to want to keep me around.. because really... those people are the only ones keeping me here. And the list of people fighting this war with me is extremely small.

So.. I'm still rather convinced that my argument is valid.. that people don't need me nearly as much as they want me to think they do.. and that almost everyone would go on about their lives if I was here or not...

And as I think that, I came to the realization that my life stopped when my grandpa died. I haven't ever really moved on and dealt with that loss. While I've functioned and existed and been there and done some things... I haven't really lived since I put him in the ground.. and I'm quite certain I've never impacted anyone in my life to that point... so it's a give and take, a tug of war...

And right now, the thread pulling me back the hardest keeps pulling, and I'm thankful for her... I just can't help but wondering how long it's going to take for that thread to break.