klnadsf

I'm tired. I feel like my life is splitting into 2 personalities. There is the one half of me, that wants to get better. She wants to have a normal life and be happy and connect with people. She wants to have hopes and dreams and do something with her life and mean something to people.

Then there is the dark half of me that can't let go of being fucking miserable. She is also trying to get me to completely self destruct. She wants to push everyone out of her life, especially the two people really holding her in. It's like she's fucking allergic to people.

And right now, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of these two people. Most of the people in my life right, will do just fine without me around. fuck most of them don't even notice me when I'm there. and if they do, they don't really see me. people are so oblivious...

and right now, I'm in that pushing and testing phase of my life. I like to set up these tests for people, ones I know they have no hope of ever passing and then when they fail, it supports my own self destruction.. like... if people really knew me at all, they would fight harder to make sure that they included me.... and if they aren't including me it means they don't really want me to be a part of their lives... and if they don't want me to be a part of their lives, then I am right, and there is nothing keeping me here.

In reality... if you push people away, long enough and hard enough, they aren't going to keep running into the wall for you. No one can.. and I'm a 70' fucking brick wall. And I don't blame people. You can only try so hard to help save someone, but if they don't want to be saved, you can't do much. And I think I've pretty much pushed everyone in my life to that point.. the... wtf... if you want help then fucking take it, and if you don't, then get on with it so we can all cry and move forward.

I know if I make it through all this, I'll want to have those people on the other side... and yet, I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail.. you know... push them all away, so when you do pull through this, you have nothing left, so you can go right back to being miserable.

and that's the meat of it really. I don't know how to not be miserable. In fact, I'm terrified of it. I think a part of me really deserves to just be miserable all the time and have nothing in my life worth fighting or living for.

Then I'm thrown back into feeling guilty about the people who have put forth the effort and aren't letting me go and letting me float away into oblivion. some days I just want the break.. I just don't want to feel anymore... I want all the pain to just be gone.. and to go to sleep and dream, and if I can't wake up and have some relief then I just don't want to wake up.

and that isn't fair.. at least not yet. One of these days I'm going to have the proof of my argument or be better... I just wish that day was today... I'm really so freaking tired. I was told tonight.. I look exhausted from the inside out.. means I need a thicker shell or mask..