demon possession

So while I think Paranormal Activity wasn't the best film to watch, it did manage to be effective and screw with my head. I'm pretty sure if my life were a horror movie, I'd be a prime candidate for demonic possession. So I've been rather freaked out lately.

And I go this Tuesday to get my head shrunk and see what the dr thinks is wrong with me. I have therapy again on Wednesday and then my regular doc in early November. My bones hurt and my hair is falling out. My skin is dry and I'm tired all the time but not sleeping for shit.

I also think that I'm afraid to be happy and afraid to be well. I've lost so many things in life that I feel like all I have left is my depression. I know I still have family who love me and I have some amazing friends, most of all my very very best friend. Without her, life would not be bearable. But I'm afraid if they fix my brain I'll wake up and fully appreciate the disaster zone I have left behind.

I don't know what to do with myself or really who I even am anymore, beyond my broken brain. I'm afraid I waited too long to get the help I needed and there won't be anything to go back to once I'm "well." I know that's absurd but I'm having a hard time seeing it in any other light.

One day at a time, one breath at a time. I wish my brain had a damn universal remote and would just do what I wanted it to. I'm tired of not feeling like I'm in control of my own life. I'm tired of feeling like the whole world has control over me. I didn't use to be like that. Once upon a time I felt like I was in control. In fact, there were days when I had my Pinky and I could give Brain a run for his money in ruling the world.

On the flip side, facebook stalking has become a new past time for me. I'm really glad there isn't some electronic widget that says how many times you view someone's page. and if they did have one, it should flag you like the sex offenders are flagged. I could see myself running around with a scarlet F, for facebook stalker.

I also think I need something completely random to get me over my slump. So, if there are any boys looking for a job as pool boy, please submit your resumes to my secretary.