All I want for Christmas

Sometimes the things we want most in life just seem to allude us. Sometimes its something as simple as a new toy or a car or clothes... other times its love. Sometimes its simply someone to notice you. As the holidays close in, I find myself surrounded by the cold of winter. People are so quick to look past the things they see all around them. They don't want to see the poverty or the hunger or the violence or the war. And for those closer to home, they don't want to see their friends in pain because it takes more effort than they want to put forth. Or perhaps they are simply too busy with what is going on in their owns lives. On the one hand we need others to help us through the tough times... but then, if we have help from others will we ever truly learn to do it for ourselves?

I am constantly struggling with this question. Is it better for me to let others in and let them help me through my tough time? Or is it better for me to close myself off and deal with my problems on my own? I'm not a high maintanence person generally, but when I'm really down and when I really need help, it can be emotionally taxing. I suppose if I were a decent friend I wouldn't let things escalate to this point. But then, that would require me to acknowledge the problem before its a problem.

I am bad at asking for help. Mostly because I minimize my problems and refuse to acknowledge they are there. I don't know how not to be all right, even though, most of the time I am very far from all right.

I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. My therapist has moved from the point of wanting to help me to the point of only having pity for me. She can't understand how I make it through my days feeling as bad as I feel. She says that most people can't function when they are experiencing my kind of depression. And yet, somehow I manage to go to work every day and lie to all the people around me.

I don't know how to tell them I'm falling apart and I don't know how to ask for help. In fact, my therapist was so worried about me that she called my psychiatrist to tell on me and make sure she knew how bad off I was.

So I went to see my psychiatrist and she said.. ok what the fuck is up? I said, it's like it always is, not great, not horrible. I can't make the thoughts in my head go away. Sometimes I want to act on them... other times they just keep me down. She asked me if I had any intent to act on them... and I would say that the answer is mostly no. But then I think about all the things in my life, and don't get me wrong, my life isn't bad... but sometimes the things I really want are so far away from me, I'm not sure I'll ever crawl out of this hole.

I'm not sure anyone will really miss me. I'm not sure anyone will really even notice I'm gone. I'm really good a lying to almost everyone. In fact, right now in my life, I think there is really only one person left I can't lie to. And there used to be 2. Unfortunately, people leave because they need to take care of themselves...

And I'm back to where I was. Is it better to reach out and ask for help, knowing it might not be there? Or is it better for me to just cage the beast inside and keep pushing forward, knowing that it is eating away at me slowly every day?