PostSecret Confessions

- I hate myself with the passion Mother Teresa had for God
-I pretend to be ok because the only people in my family who know what it feels like to not be, are dead
-I don't think I deserve to be loved and I don't know why
-No matter how many people tell me I am wonderful or a good person, I never believe them
-I have been depressed since I was 4, suicidal since I was 12, and at 28 I'm so tired of fighting to want to live I can barely stand it.
-I have tried to kill myself 3 times. No one knew about it and the guilt stopped me from following through every time. I still have my scars
-I was raped when I was 18 by a friend I trusted. I kept having sex to tell myself it didn't happen and it wouldn't ruin my life. I still feel dirty and used every time I have sex. I am always disgusted with myself.
-I have had sex and I have fucked, but I have never made love and I'm not sure I ever will.
-I'm terrified of dying alone, never having someone to share my life with and being completely forgotten
-I am morally ambiguous and I don't feel bad about it.
-I wished for 12 years that my grandma would die, and now she has cancer
-My step mom cheated on my dad. I don't feel bad for him and I understand why she did it.
-I am horribly addicted to my depression. I'm afraid without it no one will ever pay attention to me and if I get better that there won't be anything there worth having around.
- I want to die every day of my life because I don't think I deserve to live. I don't feel like I can ever do enough or be enough to earn my place here.
-I talk about sex with men because I feel like that is the only interest they will ever have in me.
-I fell in love with my best friend after I promised myself I wouldn't. He broke the last tiny bit of my heart into a million pieces, but if he wanted them, I would give him every last one.
-I'm not a crier and I have cried myself to sleep every night for the last 4 months.
-I want someone to convince me I'm worth fighting for, and then have them fight for me.
-The only thing I find beautiful about myself is my eyes when I'm crying.
-The soft sting of a knife to my skin and the cool dripping blood relaxes me and still my mind.
-I feel unlovable to men.
-Married men hit on me and it makes me feel desired, then I remember they are married and feel useless and cheap
-When I masturbate I fantasize about being violently raped, because I deserve it
-When it rains I picture my grave and it's a peaceful place
-I think about death or being dead at least 3 times a day
-I think I deserve to be beaten
-I never feel good enough
-I feel like the people I love the most die and it's my fault.
-I hate that he is happy with her and I wasn't good enough for him.
-I hate that I still want him
-I hate that I would give almost anything to have him hold me and for everything to feel safe again.
-I hate that I don't feel like I am good enough on my own
-I wish I was skinny so men would be attracted to me
-I wish I could be a hateful bitch so men would want to date me.
-I wish I could find some inner peace inside myself instead of insisting on making my life the embodiment of the bowels of hell.