anger

I hate me. I hate that I can't seem to fucking learn my lesson. Lifetime after lifetime... friend after friend, lover after lover. I'm mad that I let myself open up. I'm mad that I let it all out. I'm mad that I thought I could give it another go and maybe not fail this time. I thought.. maybe I can do this.. and what a big fucking surprise... I fell apart ... again. I always fall apart. I can't keep my shit together and I can't understand who people can just sit there and look at me like I'm useful or something worth looking at. Right now I'm really pissed off that you think I'm worth anything at all. I'm pissed off that you think I deserve anything better than this. How could I? I always fuck it up. Always... and you know why.. because I can't shut my fucking brain off. I can't stop being sad pathetic broken me. I can't let go of the past and I can't embrace the future and when I let things go I get hurt and getting hurt causes me to be an emotional 4 year old and my whole world stops turning because I can't learn my lesson and I can't fucking move forward. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of caring and being careful and being considerate and I'm tired of wanting things for everyone else and seeing them get it. and I'm tired of not getting what I want because I can't stop being a stupid self destructive bitch. god I'm so mad at myself that I can't fucking figure this out. I shouldn't need people to come by and wipe my emotional ass. I should be strong for them and the person they deserve me to be. i should be able to be happy and be thankful for the good things I have and all I can do is dwell on more fucking shit to be more fucking depressed about because I don't have enough reasons to hate myself... and I do, obviously, hate myself. I mean.. as far as I'm concerned I'm the biggest more worthless piece of shit ever.. and it doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm not and how many people tell me I'm important to them and how many people tell me I've really done something to change their lives. I can't take their word for it because I'm fucking selfish and I like feeling like this. If I hate myself and refuse to see that I have any good in me then I can continue to hate myself and be miserable.. which is what I'm good at.. being miserable.. in fact I think I've fucking perfected the god damned art. I want a new start. I want a do over. I want to be stronger from the beginning and not start the duct tape so young. I want to be able to work through my issues and my images of self doubt. I want to be enough for my dad so that he'd want to love me. I want to be the grandson my grandpa deserved. I want to be the friend to my friends I should have been. I want to be the student I should have been and the daughter I should have been and the sister I should have been. I want to take back the desire to cut myself open and I want to stop the bleeding deep inside... and no matter how hard I try to make the changes and make the differences it's like the fucking blackness just wont' wash away and it keeps coming back because I can't really kill it and make it go away. I can't make myself be ok with me because I'm not ok with me. It's not that I'm really worried that others are disappointed in me... which is my excuse a lot.. honestly... I'm disappointed in myself. I have high standards and I fail to meet them on a daily basis.. and all I really want right now is a drink and some pills and to be bleeding.. not dead mind you... I need to be here to suffer more later... but I want to be a blank pool of nothingness, no feeling, no hurt, no love, no loss... I just want to be numb from the inside out.. and I can't ever really accomplish that... because regardless of how much I try and hide from the world and hide from myself. I just can't stop fucking feeling. I feel everything. I feel the love others have and I feel the hate others have and the sadness and the joy and the lust and the hunger and evil and darkness... I feel it all around me all the time... and I don't feel like I deserve to have any of the good things in life because I would just waste them and people who waste don't deserve what they are given.. look at how much of my life I've wasted now... god I just want to hit and punch and break things. I want to run and run and run and be far away from everyone I've ever hurt with my selfishness...

and I want to be strong. I want to be able to be a good friend and I want to be able to show someone all the love I have to give, because in spite of how much I may hate myself I have so much love to give it's unreal... I just can't let go. i can't open myself up and let it all out because it's all tainted right now, with all the darkness inside.. all the darkness I've been carrying around all these years... all the self hatred and the loathing and feeling like I was never good enough because every man I ever really loved left me... and I never felt like I was good enough or did enough or earned enough to be worthy of that love...

I feel like I'm crumbling and falling apart. I'm afraid of what's left inside of me where a heart used to be. I'm afraid of the person I am now, because the person I used to be I killed a long time ago. That girl who had hopes and dreams had to die if I was going to be able to hide the darkness inside. I had to control the monster before it got out. I had to put her down so she wouldn't ruin things and hope for things beyond her reach and the more I killed her every damn day the more she has haunted me.

How do you teach yourself to love yourself when all you want to do is throw up when you see yourself in the mirror? How do you love yourself when you've become everything that you hate? How do you erase years and years of tarnish and burns and scars? how do you wash it all away and become clean enough to start over..

and when you look back at the ruin you've caused all the people who did love you this whole time... how do you ask their forgiveness for being a selfish stupid fucking bitch you was so self centered that she threw every good thing she ever had away... and how do you look them in the eye and say... I'm sorry I was a fucking cunt and insulted the love you gave me by telling you it wasn't good enough for me...